Catching Up

This is going to be my outlet and release from my day to day life.  I have undertaken one of the hardest jobs of my life; caring for my mother as she starts her journey with Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia.  I can not even get her to the doctor's, she says "if I have Alzheimer's or something similar I do not want to know".  I can sort of understand, she and I have walked down this road before: her mother died from the disease.  She and I were her main caregiver.  She put her life on hold and repaid granny's kindness to her after she was injured in a almost fatal car wreck in 1967.  It took the life of my father and her leg, broke her back, shattered most of the bones in her face, taking her almost a year to recover enough to start living her life again.  

Momma is a feisty lady.  She is head strong, full of vinegar and spice, and very sure of herself, normally. In this season of her life she is afraid, confused, and needy.  She has been hit hard and so have I. We both remarried in July, she lost her husband on my anniversary three years ago.  He died from cancer that had spread through out his body.  She and I teamed up again and became his primary caregivers for the last two and one-half years of his life.  This was hard, watching a strong man become completely dependent on us was not something we enjoyed.  She was beginning to deal with the grief and loneliness somewhat when the next event happened. Again in July her grandson accidentally overdosed on prescription medications.  This has almost killed her and I guess the stress has made the dementia more noticeable. 

She has a lot of pride and does not want my sister to know because she says that her husband and her will not let her live her life like she wants.  I try to allow her to make her own decisions and try not to let her hurt herself in the process.  I know that last statement would sound crazy based on some of the decisions she has made.  In my defense I am only following her husband's last wishes by allowing her to spend her money the way she pleases.  By doing this she is now stressing about some of her choices and the consequences of those choices.  She loaned her grandson a great deal of money or rather gave it to him, now money is tight.  I was told to let her play as much video poker as she wanted and to remind her that it was her money and she can and could do whatever, just allow it to be her choice. I believe she is a little disappointed in herself at times for things she has done and for things she did not do. 

Trying to make her understand that she is not responsible for the death of her grandson or the death of either my father or poppa.  The day her grandson died she ask my pastor if she was a black widow, stating that all the people she loved greatly had died at a early age.  He assured her that she was not but I do not think she believes him or me.  I think she still holds herself partly responsible for his and poppa death.  She has said many times maybe if I had did this or that.... she is driving herself crazy. 

 I know that the dementia affects the way she process things and I know that once something gets on her mind it stays there till something else takes its place.  That it one of the things I hate most about this illness, once a person starts thinking or gets thoughts on his or hers mind it stays.  They become impatience, irritable, and demanding.  Things in their world become jumbled, they lose control and can not complete simple tasks at times.  My mother is not there yet, but she does not remember some of our recent  conversations and repeats herself frequently.  She is afraid and does not trust anyone.  She is becoming more like granny everyday.